My ambition was to be a full-time working mother
A few of you may know this story.
I was fresh out of junior college, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, hoping to land a scholarship like all my other peers. At one of the interviews (by one of my dream organizations to work for), I was asked “where do you see yourself in ten years time?” I did a quick mental calculation – she meant 29.
I was without a boyfriend then, but somehow I confidently replied “oh I see myself happily married with kid(s)” and as an after thought added, “with a successful career”. The interviewer stared at me blankly, grinned, thanked me for my honesty and said that was the most original answer she’s ever heard (probably a euphemism for “hello, which world do you come from??”) And nope I didn’t land the scholarship. I was not ambitious enough for these organizations.
All I wanted to be was a full-time working mother.
My point of relating this story is to explain how I never viewed parenting and having a full-time job as mutually exclusive. I always knew I wanted to have kids (I love kids!!) but I also always knew that I wanted to do well in my career.
1) My mum shaped my thinking
My younger sister and I were raised in a family where both parents worked. We were cared for by a domestic helper. The good thing was that they both held 9 to 5 jobs, which meant we got to spend our evenings and weekends together. I remember my childhood very fondly because our weekends were always packed with activities and we often took road trips to Malaysia. My parents would take us on a holiday almost every year and we travelled to many places as a family. Life was comfortable and neither my sister nor I ever felt neglected (right sis?) by our parents. To this day, we spend a lot of time together as a family and we share a close relationship. This is why I never saw a full-time job as an impediment. In fact, my mum has always encouraged us to be financially independent and to continue working after marriage/kids.
And so to be perfectly honest, it never crossed my mind to be a SAHM. A PTWM, maybe. But it’s just not in my genetic make-up to want to quit my job entirely to stay home with my kid(s).
2) A job with regular hours works for me
In fact, how i have shown my commitment towards my family is to quit my first job that would have otherwise provided us with a very comfortable lifestyle. But the hours were horrendously long. I spent a good 4 years selling my soul to this company when I finally made the decision to leave before I got married. I loved that job but it wouldn’t allow me to pursue the other part of my lifelong ambition – to be a good wife and mother. And so a compromise was made. I left for my current job that promises more regular hours, and which generally supports work-life balance.
3) Why do I choose to work?
With a job that allows me to get home by dinnertime on most days, there was no reason for me not to continue to work full-time.
I like being financially independent and more importantly, I wouldn’t want any unnecessary stress to be placed on the husband, which would happen if he is the sole bread-winner. A dual income would mean that we could live comfortably and allow us to indulge a little more when we choose to. I would also be able to provide for my parents who have semi-retired. They have provided for me and I want them to be able to retire without having to worry about life after retirement.
I enjoy the intellectual stimulation from work. Although there are days when I have many complaints, the truth is I do enjoy the nature of my work and I do take pride in my work.
This brings me to my next point. I work because it keeps me sane. Lunchtime is me-time. I get to meet up with friends and engage in adult conversations. My entire universe does not revolve around my family and Aly. I work so that I don’t lose my identity as an individual. And this is important, because my preserved sanity certainly helps me be a better parent. After all, a happy mum = a happy child.
4) A tough balancing act?
I admit it can be tough when I am absolutely zonked from work. Whilst I appreciate the mental stimulation, there are days when I am so mentally exhausted that all I want to is to hide under my blanket and dive into lala land the moment I reach home. But to be honest, most of the time, I forget about how tired I am when i see Aly’s smile and when I hear her go “Mama mama mama!”. In fact, she’s my source of comfort and strength. And after my four months of maternity, I wouldn’t say the SAHMs get it any easier! In fact, they have my utmost respect since they work round the clock!
5) Mummy’s guilt?
Mummy’s guilt? I definitely get bouts of that. I feel my heart ache a little when i get reports of Aly reaching milestones from my parents or in-laws. Every morning when i drop Aly off, I would stare out of the car window wistfully, wishing i could be the one bringing her to the market or to the playground.
But i make up for whatever lost time by making sure that I drop everything to spend time with her once I get home and during weekends. I do not ever take any minute with Aly for granted and she has my undivided attention whenever I am with her. Other than in the day when she is left with her grandparents, we are very hands on and pretty much do everything ourselves, because we don’t have a helper. We drop her off every morning and pick her to go home every single day, just so that I get to tuck her to bed and lie beside her and cuddle her for a while. The routine can get exhausting because we shuttle to and fro everyday but I think it is necessary to bring her home everyday and that it is all worth it.
Of course I am thankful that Aly is well taken care of by her grandparents, which means I get to focus on my work when I get to the office. I have to admit that I may not be so ready to resume work full-time if not for the fact that I know Aly is in good hands.
6) Whatever works for a family
I have learnt that the factors contributing to a mum’s decision to stay home or to work full-time are so varied, and every family has different circumstances. A SAHM is not necessarily more sacrificial than a FTWM and a FTWM is also by no means more capable than a SAHM.
Whatever choice one makes will be accompanied by some form of guilt. A working mother will probably feel guilty about not being able to spend enough time with her family and the guilt of a non-working mother will probably stem from not being able to contribute to the household financially. There may also be the fear of being judged by fellow mothers, family members or even your own spouse. However, we are really often our own worst critic.
At the end of the day, we all try our best to play the many roles we assume, whether as a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mother, as best as we can. And as a mother, all we want is to give our best to our child(ren). Whether you are a SAHM, WAHM, PTWM, FTWM or FTSM (full-time studying mum – I know one!) and wherever you are in the world, we are faced with the same fundamental parenting challenges and all experience the same joys in watching our child(ren) grow. All mothers are united in our dedication and unconditional love towards our child(ren).
So, if you are a mum, give yourself a pat on your back because you are doing just fine!
Signing off with one of my favourite quotes:
Oh, and to my interviewer, I did have the foresight! I did achieve my ambition by 29. 
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Here’s a pat on your back! Nice post which I definitely can relate to.
Just Us & a lil Boy recently posted…Guilty as charged
Thanks so much! You deserve a pat on your back too!
thanks for sharing this. I enjoy reading this post which speak for both sides. I think our parents and how we were brought up shaped us more than we know or maybe want. It is perhaps so that I considered parenting as the most challenging job around. And u seem to be coping well as a FTWM. Kudos to u
haifang aka rachel recently posted…Breitling Jet Team In Singapore
Thanks Hai Fang. Yes it’s really a great idea to have mums share their different perspectives isn’t it! The part about how our parents have influenced us in our parenting decisions is true! I do notice that we tend to take our mothers’ footsteps.
My ambition was to be a working mother too haha
Madeline recently posted…The Madelines: How to Keep Track of Your Books
Haha I am glad there are so many like-minded mothers around!
Haha! Love your post! And woo, who knew a 19-year-old would have such foresight?
I agree… Adult-conversation is SO important to me too. I mean, I love my boys, and I dont usually baby-talk them, but still the kinda conversations we have is nothing compared to what I get at work (plus the last-minute shopping sneaked in! LOL!)
Thanks for linking up too!
San recently posted…FTWM: Livin’ and lovin’ it!
Thank you for hosting the linky party! Yah I wanted to write about the lunchtime shopping but I forgot! Haha.
You’re right, we are often our worst critic. Also, sometimes we fear others’ judgement when they might not be judging us at all.
As with a post I wrote on breastfeeding, all mums should cut ourselves, and one another, more slack. After all, we all know how hard it all is.
lyn lee recently posted…Yes I am a Full-Time Working Mum
Yup, I think as women and especially mothers, we are very mindful of what other people say. To be honest, I always thought I might be judged for wanting to continue working when so many of my peers are taking time off work to stay home. Then one day I realized maybe nobody is judging and that mums who stay home deal with their own guilt as well.
Do share the link of your breast feeding post here if you see this comment! I will be sure to check it out.
woooo just like me!! I really wanted to be a FTWM too! =)
Mum’s the word recently posted…Review: Thinkersbox—Learn to think, Think to learn
Yay! There are so many of us around. Haha.
Great to hear u r able to achieve work life balance and love the work u do! As FTWMs, I realised one common thing in us, is that we appreciate and value the limited time we have with our children and try out best to do more stuff with them.
My mum is a SAHM. But she advised me otherwise. Since young, she has been telling us, no matter what, make sure u work, being financially independent is the most critical for a woman. I won’t say I was influenced by her, buy I do agree she’s her point.
Yes, I do agree that we try to make every minute of our time spent with our children count. My mum has also been reinforcing the need for a woman to be financially independent from young. I guess that’s why I had just assumed that there was no need to make a choice!
Hi Zee!!
I loved reading this – For all your points and more. You somehow managed to outline the pros and cons of being a FTWM and strike a balance between the two, wonderfully.
Must be all that training from juggling work and family, yes?
Thanks for linking up!
Thanks so much Regina! By the way, the linky badge is really cute! I guess the pros are cons are a manifestation of my inner struggles. But at the end of the day, FTWM is the way to go for me.
guess which part of your post left a HUGE GRIN on my face???? Still grinning widely!
Honestly I never thought of staying at home as a kid. I’ve always imagined myself working even as a grandmother , all wrinkled and hunched but still doing science and exploding labs!
Very nicely summarised!
Haha. Yah of course I know which part. Special mention leh! I felt sorry that u didn’t belong to any category. :p
Old and wrinkly and science experiments…hmm…sounds hazardous! Haha.
You’ve really expressed the feeling of most FTWM. I’m actually glad that there are more and more working moms, so I don’t feel so guilty for choosing to work too. Thanks for leaving a comment too.
Susan recently posted…Wordless Wednesday – The Youngest Instagramer
Hi Susan! Yes I am actually quite glad that we have a mini support network. :p
I have it all planned out at 20 too, mentally that is but did not carry out my plan. Wish I have been as persistent as you =)
My scale still tips but not great and tts a relieve. I can still take leave as and when the need arises to be with DinoBoy for some quality bonding time.
DinoMama recently posted…Foodie Fridays – A dining experience at Beanstro
Thanks for leaving a comment Dino mama.
Hehe you were just as “ambitious” as me! Anyway, I think so long as our job allows us to have some work-life balance, it should be fine. I too, look forward to taking days off and spending them with Aly!
Amazing! I feel the same as you on many of your points. Your last line is the best: Go you!
Katy@TheOpenDoor recently posted…Lucky Leprechaun
Hi Zee,
so nice to find your blog and your ambition to be a full-time working mom !! I am a working mom with a 2.5 year- old daughter @@ I agree a lot on what you said, yet in my case, I will have some mild quarrels /arguments with my mom sometimes . As grandma, she is helping to look after my daughter/supervise my domestic helper (as my mom is too old to do all the thing everyday) when I go to work)… because there’re two authorities in the household …and I am not so happy sometimes
I have my blog (just recently started) let’s share !
Charlotte
Charlotte recently posted…Loudspeaker “OBAMA”
Hi Charlotte! Thanks for stopping by and for taking time to leave a comment. I really appreciate it.
I think most full-time working mothers have the same problem regarding the differing practices when it comes to the child’s caregiver. It’s inevitable I guess. And things are a bit trickier when the person is your mother! For me, I guess I’ve just learnt to close one eye and accept that a grandparent’s role is to pamper the kid. Haha.
Looking forward to reading more stories from you. MJ is such a cutie!!
Hi there, it was enjoyable reading this post, you made a rather serious topic fun with your sense of humour. Your blog looks lovely too (: Cheers!
Hi PS, thank you for your kind words and for taking time to leave a comment to say hello!
I see from your blog that you too, are deciding between staying home and continuing with full-time work. I hope you managed to check out the posts of other mums on this topic and also, I hope they helped somewhat in providing you the different perspectives. “Love, daily” is a lovely tagline btw.